Unselfie Details

Title: Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World
Author: Michele Borba
Publication Year: 2016
Website: https://micheleborba.com/category/unselfie/
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Review

One of the points in this book that stuck out to me the most was the discussion of moral courage. I feel like for the most part, my kids are empathetic. Sometimes it takes some encouragement, but they are usually able to see things from someone else’s point of view. They might not always make good decisions, but they are well aware of the distinction between right and wrong.

However, I am not sure if I am currently raising them to be morally courageous. The book describes a study done where an adolescent is unknowingly put in a situation where actors are playing out a bullying scene. The vast majority of kids, do not step in. I don’t think my kids would necessarily step in. I’m very non-confrontational. I’m not even sure I would step in!

The book describes the rare girl who stood up for the person being bullied. Her dad was so sure she would intervene and he was right. He said in their family they specifically discussed the importance of speaking up against injustice. Since reading this book, I have made an effort to start these discussions with my kids. I want them to feel confident using their voice, even in situations where they might feel uncomfortable.

As a research scientist, I love all the science and data that went into writing this book. The concrete benefits of empathy are discussed in depth. We all want our kids to lead happy, successful, fulfilling lives. Fostering empathy is a way to give our kids a leg up at achieving their goals. Unfortunately, compared to previous generations, children today are significantly less empathetic. Thankfully, empathy is a skill that can be nurtured. The author fills the books with several concrete suggestions for raising empathetic kids.

I would definitely recommend this book to any parent. The world could use more kindness and understanding. If we all raise kids who are compassionate and thoughtful, just imagine how bright all their futures would be.

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Title: Balanced and Barefoot: How Unrestricted Outdoor Play Makes for Strong, Confident, and Capable Children
Author: Angela J. Hanscom
Publication Year: 2016
Website: https://www.timbernook.com/blog/
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Review

I learned in this book that one in six children now have a developmental disability. This is a huge increase compared to previous decades. Far more children are suffering from problems related to “attention, balance, strength, coordination, or sensory processing.” There has also been a significant rise in cases of ADHD. Many kids are weaker than in previous generations and have decreased stamina. Colds are more common. Many kids have trouble reading due to problems with visual tracking. Posture is poor. Kids have trouble regulating their emotions and suffer from more anxiety.

The author makes the case that increased time spent in nature can improve many of these problem areas. Kids that spend time outdoors and in nature frequently have better find motor control and gross motor skills. They are physically stronger and have better stamina. Time spent doing unstructured activities improves kids focus and ability to self regulate. Time in nature improves people mood and leads to happier kids.

Once the author convinces parents of the importance of time in nature, she lists realistic and helpful strategies to make this time actually happen. She advocates giving kids “loose parts” for outdoor play like old crates and hoses. Over time, kids imaginations will develop to the point that they will be able to have fun even without props such as these.

She makes the case that parents today are over-concerned with safety both in terms of play equipment as well as child freedom. Parks that are considered more dangerous actually give children valuable practice learning how to conduct themselves appropriately. Allowing kids who are 9 years or older to bike to a neighbors house to play is developmentally appropriate. Also, practices such as these will improve a child’s self-confidence, maturity, and emotional development. Even babies and toddlers benefit from being allowed to play in the mud and dirt.

Personally, I did not learn a ton from reading this book, as I already believed in the importance of time spent outdoors. However, if I were to even run into a parent who questioned the value of unstructured time in nature, I would gladly point him or her to this evidenced-based book.

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Title: Mitten Strings for God
Author: Katrina Kenison
Publication Year: 2000
Website: www.katrinakenison.com
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Review: Honestly, I heard about this book and tried to read it years ago. I was probably in a stage of my life when one of my four kids was an infant. This book is about living at slow pace, avoiding business, and appreciate all of our precious moments with our children. How was I supposed to appreciate doing the dishes when I was so sleep deprived I was basically a living zombie?

The ideal this book presented felt so unattainable at that moment that, ironically, I couldn’t sit still long enough to learn about how to be still.

Now we are in the middle of a global pandemic and our family has nothing if not time. We have each other and we have to learn how to live together and appreciate all this unlimited time we get to spend together. In an optimal situation, we would do this without ever wanting to rip each other’s throats out. With 6 people social distancing in a confined space, this is not always easy.

And yet. For the first time, I REALLY hear what the author is saying. I appreciate these moments. I have time to sit and observe my children play. I have time to snap pictures of them creating fantasy worlds and giggling with each other. I can read one-on-one with my kids cuddled beneath a blanket. I can bake bread with them and prepare their food lovingly not having to rush off to soccer practice. I want to savor these moments. I will cherish them forever even as I feel them slipping away.

This book begins with a letter the author found written by a woman who passed away from cancer. The woman reminds us all to appreciate the “dailiness” of our lives. I am so thankful to the author of this book for really helping this lesson sink in while my kids are still young. I finally understand. I can wash the dishes and really hear the birds singing outside and my children laughing in the next room and I feel the contentment that I was born to feel.

Even though time feels like it is standing still in this moment in which our lives are all on pause, the author reminds me that it is still moving. My kids are getting older and changing every day. I can’t stop the progression of time, but I can learn to take the time to appreciate each moment of my day. I can only hope that I remember these lessons even after quarantine ends. (Personal Rating: 8/10)

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Title: A Mind for Numbers: How to Excel at Math and Science (Even if you Flunked Algebra)
Author: Barbara Oakley
Publication Year: 2014
Website:http://danielcoyle.com/
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Review: This book provides several useful tips for studying and retaining knowledge. Most of it does not apply specifically to math and science, but just learning in general. A lot of it is also common sense and techniques that I followed naturally growing up. However, it is nice to see it all outlined.

For example, one of the areas the author discusses is focused vs. diffused thinking. In the focused mode, you really try to narrow your thinking to the problem at hand. In the diffuse mode, you are more relaxed and your mind wanders. The author recommends starting with focused mode, but then taking breaks and doing something else to allow diffuse thinking to take over. This prevents the Einstellung effect, where your mind gets stuck on the wrong solution and is unable to come up with anything else.

She also hammers home the importance of getting enough sleep to allow knowledge to move from our short term to long term memory. Also multi-tasking and procrastination are bad and it’s good to break a problem into smaller more manageable chunks. We all know these things. However, the author really makes it clear WHY we need to follow these guidelines and gives helpful tips and suggestions for acting on this knowledge.

Another area she discusses, which is logical, but not necessarily obvious, is the best way to study. She makes the point that simply re-reading material does not ensure that you understand and retain the information. It is far better to force yourself to recall the information. This can be done by reworking difficult problems or using flashcards.

One of the techniques that I was unfamiliar with is the Pomodoro technique. Basically, you overcome procrastination and move towards your goal by setting a timer for 25 minutes and working hard for that amount of time. I could see that being useful.

There are also suggestions for improving your memory, such as creating a memory palace technique or creating a visual metaphor. However, I recommend Moonwalking with Einstein if you are specifically interested in memory techniques.

Overall, this book is worth reading, especially if you feel your study techniques could use improvement. Maybe the strongest message this book imparts is the belief that your ability to excel at difficult subjects CAN improve. It just takes a plan, hard work, and concentrated effort. (Personal Rating: 8/10)

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Title: Let’s Play Math
Author: Denise Gaskins
Publication Year: 2016
Website: https://denisegaskins.com/
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Review: The author of Let’s Play Math, Denise Gaskins, may not have fancy credentials, degrees, or classroom experience, but personally I think her approach to math is spot on. I LOVE math. Unfortunately, in some ways, I think I’ve already ruined it for my oldest, because even though he’s pretty good at math, he says he doesn’t like it. This is because there was a time when I believed that what was best for him was to follow a math curriculum and complete a set of math problems every single day.

I’ve since completely abandoned that method. For the past couple months, his 3rd grade math assignments have been 1 “problem set” per week each with about 8 slightly challenging problems. It takes him about 20 minutes (per week) to complete his math and his attitude toward math is improving. However, like all parents, in the back of my mind I always wonder if I’m doing the right thing. Maybe he NEEDS to do all those repetitive problems and daily worksheets to really instill all the information he needs to learn. Maybe he’ll fall behind in math and end up hating math even more.

Then I found these sentences in this Let’s Play Math book: “Here is the secret solution to the crisis of math education: we adults need to learn how to think like mathematicians. Mathematicians avoid busywork as if it were an infection disease. Mathematicians always ask questions. Most of all, mathematicians love to play.”

I am not a mathematician by trade, but I feel like I could have been one. I decided to pursue engineering in my education, but I have always loved math. To me, it feels like a game. I would love for it to feel this way to my kids too.

This book is exactly what I need to supplement the minimalist approach I’m already using with my son. I’m going to use the ideas in this book to play games with him, read stories, and think about interesting problems. As she recommends, I will not leave him on his own to struggle and become frustrated. I will be his partner in learning. I’ve already purchased Denise Gaskin’s other two books which are also filled with a wealth of ideas.

Additionally, for the past couple weeks I’ve started using her suggestion of just talking about math problems with all of my older kids to help them work on mental math skills. They totally love it! I can ask my 3 year old problems like, “Okay, if you have 1 cookie and then I give you two more, how many will you have?” (“Fwee!” he says.) I give my 5 year old problems like, “Okay…I’m thinking of a number. If you double my number, you get 4.” For my oldest, I might say, “If you add 8 to me, I become 25. What number am I?”

My kids could seriously play this “game” all day. Sometimes they even make up their own problems to quiz me. Today, while we were in the car, my almost 8 year old thought for a while then said, “I’m thinking of a number. It is 50 when you add 19.” When I said 31, he said, “You’re right.” That means he must have worked the answer out in his head beforehand. On purpose.

I am so impressed by the ideas and perspective in this book. As the author states, my kids may not grow up to love math as much as I do. After all, they are all individuals. However, I believe that using the ideas and approach advocated in this book, they will not be intimidated by math. They will be capable of thinking through problems without the blind guessing that worksheets sometimes seem to inspire. Also, as long as I don’t draw attention to the fact that they are actually DOING math, they might even enjoy themselves. (Personal Rating: 8/10)

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Title: What’s Math Got to Do with It?
Author: Jo Boaler
Publication Year: 2008
Website: www.youcubed.org
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Review: The title of this book, What’s Math Got to Do With It?, is kind of perfect. When most people think of math, they think of numbers and memorization. They think learning math means drilling the same type of problems over and over. As kids, we’re often taught strategies for solving problems without really understanding why they work. However, that’s not what mathematicians think of when they think of math. They think of patterns and connections. Rather than “practicing” strategies, they solve interesting, complex problems.

The author of this book has a newer book called Mathematical Mindsets, which I just ordered. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to spend the $12, but after reading this book from our library, I can’t wait to see what the newer book has to offer. Here are some of the most interesting things I learned by reading his book.

• There is a whole “reform” movement in mathematics meant to make math more engaging, interesting, and fun, but it is opposed by “traditionalists” who are actively campaigning to not allow the new methods to be tried in schools.
• The author was involved in studies following both types of schools in which she learned that schools that focused on communication and projects rather than traditional drilling resulted not only in kids who were more enthusiastic about math, but also scored higher on standardized tests.
• Standardized test and grades are hurting student performance. A strategy called “assessment for learning” has been shown to be more effective. In this method students are given a clear sense of what they are supposed to know and positive, constructive feedback to help them achieve mastery.
• Grouping students based on ability hurts everybody’s performance.
• The traditional method of teaching math with little communication and a focus on memorizing strategies without necessarily understanding them is, generally-speaking, more discouraging to girls than boys.
• High achievers use certain strategies in math that low achievers do not. For example, they think flexibly about numbers, breaking them apart and recombining them to make them easier to work with. They also think about simpler cases when solving complicated problems and make tables and charts. They are able to think about their answer and whether or not it makes sense.
• There are lots of activities that families can do at home to help their children succeed in math. For example, they can provide lots of hands on materials like jigsaw puzzles, building blocks, and tangrams. They can provide interesting math puzzles or riddles for kids to think about. They can have “number talks” where they give children simple problems to work out in their heads, then discuss how they came up with the solution.

The book provides lots of other suggestions, both of activities and of books for further reading which I plan to look into. I’m looking forward to helping my kids learn what an amazing, fun, fulfilling subject math can be. It has reminded me what I have always loved about math and has helped me to understand why the path I’m following now with my oldest isn’t encouraging an appreciation for the subject. I’m grateful to have found this book. (Personal Rating: 8/10)

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Title: Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings
Author: Laura Markham
Publication Year: 2015
Website: www.ahaparenting.com
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Review: Having just had my fourth child, raising siblings that not only get along, but love and value each other is high on my list of parenting priorities. Since Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids is still my go-to book when I feel like some aspect of our family is getting out of balance, I was super excited to hear that Dr. Markham was coming out with a sibling version. However, even though I bought it right away, I didn’t feel as compelled to continue reading it as I did with the original, maybe because I’d already learned many of the lessons in the first book.

Reading the beginning of this book was a great refresher on the author’s peaceful parent techniques. For example, one of her recommendations which I love is helping your child to have a “scheduled meltdown.” No one likes it when their kids cry, whine, and fuss. However, as the author points out, crying in your arms actually helps your child to let go of their bad feelings. When your child seems to be crying over the smallest, most insignificant problems, rather than get irritated (which is my first reaction), it’s better to almost provoke your child to tears by being sensitive and comforting while still not giving them what they want. Then they can have a good cry, you can console, and in the end your child will feel happier. I’m always amazed by how well this works.

However, while there are many unique suggestions that help individual children become more caring and thoughtful in general (which obviously has the potential to improve sibling relationships), generally speaking, the suggestions regarding pairs of children are fairly obvious. For example, she recommends spending individual time with each child and not comparing your children. (Great suggestions, but not as helpful during specific instances when one child is being mean to another child.)

I suppose my biggest issue with this book is that I have very specific problems with my 2, 4, and 6 year olds and the main takeaway message I got from this book is that I’m more or less already following her advice, I’m just going to have to wait a couple years for some more maturity to develop. For example, my toddler occasionally hits his older siblings. While I feel that I’ve already talked endlessly about “hitting hurts” and “we can hit pillows not people,” I still feel like my message is not getting though. (Honestly, I’ve tried time-outs too, which the author is against, with similar lack of success.) After reading this book, rather than feeling better equipped to deal with these instances, I feel the author’s recommendation is to just keep doing what I’m doing and wait for him to grow out of it. This is probably good advice, but not the short term fix I was hoping for.

Lastly, even though we have a newborn, I didn’t feel the third section on bringing home a new baby was particularly applicable to our family. When there are already 3 kids at home, there’s less of a need to help the big kids understand the concept of being a brother or sister and to keep them entertained. They already have plenty of experience with siblings and can entertain each other better than I ever could. However, I do think this section would be useful to families expecting their second child.

Overall, I’d recommend Siblings Without Rivalry as a complement to Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids for parents with multiple kids. However, if you were short on time and wanted to read just one book, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings would be an excellent substitute with nearly all of the same great information and advice as the two books combined. (Personal Rating: 8/10)

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Title: Playful Parenting
Author: Lawrence J. Cohen
Publication Year: 2001
Website: www.playfulparenting.com
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Review: I alternate between thinking this is a very important book and not particularly useful. What I love about this book is that it has a focus which is completely different from any other parenting book I’ve read. The main idea is that you should be goofy and playful with your kids in nearly every situation. The author, a play therapist, uses lots of helpful examples to describe how he uses a playful attitude to break through walls that his clients and other children put up so that he can foster a deeper connection. He encourages techniques such as roughhousing, fantasy play, reversing roles, acting bumbling and incompetent, and playing Barbies as ways to get children to open up and let out their bad feelings.

I can see how having a positive, silly attitude would be helpful in lots of situations instead of immediately getting mad when kids misbehave and I’ve tried to incorporate this aspect to some extent into my parenting. However, I’ve had mixed success. There are lots of times I’ve found when my kids’ anger and/or bad attitudes are not really going to be cured by making them laugh temporarily. For example, if kids are fighting over a toy, he recommends grabbing the toy and running away laughing to get the kids to chase you. I think in the ideal world this would be so much fun that the kids would forget about the toy. I can say that this technique worked as advertised in a certain sense when I tried it. I had my kids laughing for a couple minutes as they chased me around the kitchen. However, I really had to cook dinner and when I stopped playing, the meltdowns were even bigger. Now not only were they crying because they each still wanted the toy, but they were also crying because they didn’t want me to stop playing. This was not the outcome I was hoping for.

I can see how this playful attitude might work better for dealing with only one child, but when there is more than one child, especially siblings, I find his techniques difficult to implement. However, despite my lack of real progress at being a “playful parent,” I did enjoy this book and I think I’ll hang onto it for a while. Maybe it will be more useful to me down the road. For the moment, I’m just trying to remember to be more light-hearted with my children and open to fun. Sometimes it’s good to be reminded that laughter is important, whether or not it solves problems. (Personal Rating: 8/10)

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Title: Excellent Sheep: The Miseducation of the American Elite and the Way to a Meaningful Life
Author: William Deresiewicz
Publication Year: 2014
Website: www.excellentsheep.com
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Review: I don’t remember where I heard about this book, but I was definitely intrigued by the title. I was pretty sure I was exactly what the author meant by an “excellent sheep”. Having attended two top tier schools (Stanford and Caltech), I’ve always felt sort of, well, sheep-like. I go with the flow and have always done what is expected of me. I’m not rebellious. I can’t speak for my peers, but I personally don’t consider myself a leader. “Excellent sheep” sounds like an appropriate term for me.

When I started reading this book, a lot of it definitely resonated with what I remember of high school and college. There are descriptions of high school students with a full load of advanced placement classes, sports, and a dozen after school activities. (That was me.) There is a discussion of the motivation of these students, doing clubs, sports, and lessons specifically to pad their college applications. (Definitely me. I never liked running, but did track and cross-country since colleges like athletes and it was the one sport that didn’t require coordination.)

Once in college, the author says that students frequently change their majors to have better job prospects and earning power. (Also me — astronomy to engineering). He then essentially asserts that all this effort was for nothing. While I wouldn’t personally say “nothing”, as a stay-at-home mom of 3 kids, I’m not in a position to argue with that. At this point in my life, I would have likely been nearly as successful going to a public college and not getting my doctorate. (Though, to be fair, I am very grateful for the work-at-home opportunities my PhD has afforded.)

However, about half way through the book the author starts to lose me. He seems to hold a certain hostility and bitterness toward the sciences which I can’t understand. He praises the value of a “liberal arts” education over science and engineering. While I agree that that a liberal arts education is valuable, particularly if the student is passionate about their area of study, I really don’t think the humanities are inherently superior to the sciences. I would argue that someone could be just as passionate about math and science (me for instance).

On page 163, the author says, “‘Do you really lead a better life for having had a liberal arts education?’ a student asked me once. Yes, you do, and those around you might lead better ones, as well.” I find this somewhat offensive. If the author is simply saying that people should be educated in a wide range of topics (literature, politics, history, etc.), then I can get behind that. If he is saying that students shouldn’t pursue fields they aren’t interested in simply to make money, I agree with that too. However, if he’s saying that everyone should be a liberal arts major, that’s a little too condescending and presumptuous in my opinion.

I also think it’s problematic when on page 199, when considering whether kids should skip college and launch start-ups, he says, “In purely financial terms – wage premiums, unemployment rates, lifetime earnings – college is not only still a good investment; according to a recent study, it is the best investment you can make.” I definitely agree that kids should do all that they can to try and get a college education. However, I can’t help but wonder if those lifetime earnings and other benefits he mentions are partially due to the student bias toward high-earning majors like engineering and economics, which he strongly opposes. Does a poetry major benefit in the same way?

Overall, despite the author’s somewhat uppity tone, I’m glad I read this book. Having gone to ivy-league equivalent schools, I would never pressure or even secretly hope that my kids go to them too. I want them to enjoy their childhoods with minimal stress and not overwhelm themselves with “college application” activities and experiences. I would be just as happy with them going to state schools or community colleges as opposed to ivy leagues. I also would not pressure my kids to pursue science, engineering, economics or other money-making fields if that is not where their passions and interests lie. I already intended to be supportive of my kid’s life decisions, whatever they may be, but having read this book, I am more confident that I’ll be able to follow through with my intentions.
(Personal Rating: 8/10)

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Review: First, I should say that this book has several negative reviews on Amazon that have left me wondering if I read the same book. I thought this book was wonderful. My best guess for the criticism is that those readers feel the author is too lenient towards bullying, because they already have strong opinions about individual bullies and personal experience with individual cases of bulling. However, as someone who has no experience with bullying influencing my reading of this book, I feel that the author is very supportive of those that are bullied and just cautions against being overly harsh to individual bullies. She hopes to change the overall culture of meanness in some schools to one of empathy in which kids in general are less accepting of incidences of bullying. She did not support the decision to prosecute bullies in a national news story where a young girl with a history of depression committed suicide. Did she agree with the cold, heartless acts of those individuals toward the victim? No. Did she think that there should be consequences for their hurtful actions? Yes. She just supported school administrators and parents enacting the punishment as opposed to the judicial system sentencing them to up to 10 years in prison. To me, that is being reasonable, not lenient.

This book about bullying is definitely worth reading for any parent or educator. Very few parenting books are “page-turners,” but I had trouble putting this book down even though my children are still too young for most of the information to be relevant to me personally. The first two-thirds of the book follow the lives of all the characters involved in three different real-life incidences of bullying. The author is clearly interested in getting the story right and not jumping to any conclusions. She looks at the situation from all viewpoints to try and better understand both the motivation of the bully and the response of the victim. She makes a very good point, in my opinion, that adults need to evaluate bullying based on the actions of the bully, not on the response of the victim, as many of the most tragic cases involving bullying have mental-illness of the victim as a contributing factor. Grown-ups need to look at the entire picture to combat bullying effectively and overcome the “culture of bullying” both online and in person.

The last part of the book discusses real world practical strategies which have been used successfully to both prevent and handle cases of bullying. This section would be particularly valuable to educators and administrators. The book also includes an FAQ section for children, parents, and educators as well as a number of resources such as fictional stories for kids of all ages promoting empathy in the face of bullying.

Personally, I loved this book. It handles a topic that I had never read about before or even given much thought to, but I think the knowledge and advice in this book is extremely helpful in understanding the world of modern day adolescents and dealing with issues effectively. I should, perhaps, confess that I am a huge fan of Emily Bazelon and have listened to her so often on Slate’s Political Gabfest podcast that I could practically hear her voice reading the book to me. However, even if I had no familiarity with the author’s other work, I’m sure I would have still found this book just as fascinating and valuable. (Personal Rating: 8/10)

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