Unselfie Details

Title: Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World
Author: Michele Borba
Publication Year: 2016
Website: https://micheleborba.com/category/unselfie/
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Review

One of the points in this book that stuck out to me the most was the discussion of moral courage. I feel like for the most part, my kids are empathetic. Sometimes it takes some encouragement, but they are usually able to see things from someone else’s point of view. They might not always make good decisions, but they are well aware of the distinction between right and wrong.

However, I am not sure if I am currently raising them to be morally courageous. The book describes a study done where an adolescent is unknowingly put in a situation where actors are playing out a bullying scene. The vast majority of kids, do not step in. I don’t think my kids would necessarily step in. I’m very non-confrontational. I’m not even sure I would step in!

The book describes the rare girl who stood up for the person being bullied. Her dad was so sure she would intervene and he was right. He said in their family they specifically discussed the importance of speaking up against injustice. Since reading this book, I have made an effort to start these discussions with my kids. I want them to feel confident using their voice, even in situations where they might feel uncomfortable.

As a research scientist, I love all the science and data that went into writing this book. The concrete benefits of empathy are discussed in depth. We all want our kids to lead happy, successful, fulfilling lives. Fostering empathy is a way to give our kids a leg up at achieving their goals. Unfortunately, compared to previous generations, children today are significantly less empathetic. Thankfully, empathy is a skill that can be nurtured. The author fills the books with several concrete suggestions for raising empathetic kids.

I would definitely recommend this book to any parent. The world could use more kindness and understanding. If we all raise kids who are compassionate and thoughtful, just imagine how bright all their futures would be.

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Title: Balanced and Barefoot: How Unrestricted Outdoor Play Makes for Strong, Confident, and Capable Children
Author: Angela J. Hanscom
Publication Year: 2016
Website: https://www.timbernook.com/blog/
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Review

I learned in this book that one in six children now have a developmental disability. This is a huge increase compared to previous decades. Far more children are suffering from problems related to “attention, balance, strength, coordination, or sensory processing.” There has also been a significant rise in cases of ADHD. Many kids are weaker than in previous generations and have decreased stamina. Colds are more common. Many kids have trouble reading due to problems with visual tracking. Posture is poor. Kids have trouble regulating their emotions and suffer from more anxiety.

The author makes the case that increased time spent in nature can improve many of these problem areas. Kids that spend time outdoors and in nature frequently have better find motor control and gross motor skills. They are physically stronger and have better stamina. Time spent doing unstructured activities improves kids focus and ability to self regulate. Time in nature improves people mood and leads to happier kids.

Once the author convinces parents of the importance of time in nature, she lists realistic and helpful strategies to make this time actually happen. She advocates giving kids “loose parts” for outdoor play like old crates and hoses. Over time, kids imaginations will develop to the point that they will be able to have fun even without props such as these.

She makes the case that parents today are over-concerned with safety both in terms of play equipment as well as child freedom. Parks that are considered more dangerous actually give children valuable practice learning how to conduct themselves appropriately. Allowing kids who are 9 years or older to bike to a neighbors house to play is developmentally appropriate. Also, practices such as these will improve a child’s self-confidence, maturity, and emotional development. Even babies and toddlers benefit from being allowed to play in the mud and dirt.

Personally, I did not learn a ton from reading this book, as I already believed in the importance of time spent outdoors. However, if I were to even run into a parent who questioned the value of unstructured time in nature, I would gladly point him or her to this evidenced-based book.

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Title: The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively
Author: Gary Chapman
Publication Year: 2016
Website: http://danielcoyle.com/
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Review: We all love our children. That goes without saying. I think for most of us…myself included…we assume that our kids know that. I, for one, tell my kids all the time. Before they go to bed. “I love you infinity.” When they wake up in the morning. “I missed you while you were sleeping!” And just randomly throughout the day. “I’m so lucky to have you.” However, as it turns out, my kids haven’t really been hearing me. Words are my love language, not theirs. In fact, of the 6 people in my family, words of affirmation are practically meaningless to everyone but me. The same goes for my other love language: acts of service. These things mean almost nothing to my husband and kids.

Conversely, the love languages that are least important to me personally, gifts and quality time, it turns out are VERY important to various people in my family. Touch, which is somewhere in the middle for me, is extremely important to a couple of my kids. With one of them I could easily tell touch was his primary love language, but with my other child I had no idea.

So what does this all mean? It means that sometimes, we have to do things that don’t come naturally for us in order for our kids to really FEEL our love. It’s important that our kids know we love them. They use that love as strength, as a shield to protect them from the bumps and bruises of life. Uncertainty weakens that shield and leads to a lot of negative consequences. Insecurity can cause our kids to be mean to each other. Conversely, when they are feeling well-loved (when their backpacks or cups are full as other books would say), they are happier and as a result, more cooperative and generous.

If I take the time to connect with my children by speaking to them in their primary love languages, our day goes much easier. Instead of nearly killing each other over who gets to sit where at the breakfast table, they are able to empathize better with each other and be more kind and loving people themselves. If you are at all unsure of your child’s love language, The 5 Love Languages of Children is definitely worth a read in my opinion. (Personal Rating: 9/10)

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Title: Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children
Author: Thomas Gordon
Publication Year: 1970
Website: www.gordontraining.com
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Review: The main premise behind Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) is that parents should never have to use their power over their children. Parents should be so effective at parenting that they will not need to use threats, bribes, or other coercive measures. The parent-child relationship should be based on mutual respect. As a result, kids will (supposedly) not go through the typical teenage rebellion stage where they pull away from their parents and parental authority.

What I love most about this book is the very analytical way the book looks at kids’ behavior. It basically says that all behavior can be classified into two bins: acceptable and unacceptable, problem or no problem. If there is no problem, everyone is happy. If there is a problem, the parent needs to determine who the problem belongs to: the parent or the child.

Examples of a child-owned problem are misplacing items, problems with friends, or not making a sports team. Many times, parents get involved in children’s problems by trying to solve them or distract them. Instead the author claims there is only one appropriate response to situations in which the child owns the problem. This technique is called active listening. If the child tells their parent about a problem, the parent should basically repeat back what the kids say, using new words, to try to make sure they understand the child’s feelings and underlying message.

The first day I read this, my husband and I decided to try it almost as a joke. We made an agreement that when our kids were having a problem, we would just parrot back what they said. The next day I read that we are definitely NOT supposed to parrot. Instead the parent needs to rephrase the child’s words. However, I have to say that even the parroting went pretty well. A child would come to us saying “He stole my toy!” We’d give them all our attention and parrot back, “Oh no! He stole your toy!,” they would look at us slightly confused for a moment, say, “Uh-huh,” then walk away to go play somewhere else.

I think at first, they may have just been confused by our odd behavior, but we’ve both been making an effort to use the technique correctly with our kids for a couple weeks now and I can see a real difference. It turns out a lot of the time kids do not want us to solve their problems. They just want us to listen to them and understand what they are saying and why they’re upset.

In the second case, the parent owns the problem. This involves behavior like kids not picking up their toys, interrupting, or being too loud. In this case, the author recommends not using active listening, but instead sending “I-messages” that center around how the parent feels. For example, instead of saying, “YOU are a lazy slob” the parent should say something like, “I feel frustrated that our house is so messy.” In this way, you don’t blame or shame the child, but instead give them the opportunity to solve the problem on their own.

In order to send an effective I-message the parent needs to describe the behavior, how the parent feels about the behavior, and convey the effect the behavior has on the parent. One example given in the book is when the child is late coming home, the parent should say something like, “When you didn’t call to say you would be late, I was worried. That distracted me from my work.” Many times, in trying to come up with the third piece of the message, parents realize that there is no tangible effects and as a result, the unacceptable behavior will seem slightly less offensive.

Even after active listening and sending I-messages, there will be times when the parent’s and child’s needs are in conflict with each other. Rather than the parent giving in to the child or forcing their own solution, in which case there is a winner and a loser, the author recommends committing to finding a “no-lose” solution in which both parties can live with the agreement. The author gives lots of detailed tips on how to work your way through this process to find a creative solution.

So far, I’ve tried this a handful of times always with at least some degree of success. A few weeks ago, I tried this with my oldest son’s piano practice. I want him to do piano. He wants to have enough time to play and do fun stuff and feels like piano practice interferes with his priorities. After active listening to his feeling and sending my own I-messages, we came up with an agreement in which if he gets his practice done (no matter how much he complains or messes around), my husband or I will play a game of pool with him. We’re going on 3 weeks, and he’s so happy to play pool that not only is he getting his practice done, but the complaining and messing around have decreased significantly.

What I didn’t learn from this book was how to deal with my kids flipping out in public when they don’t get what they want. For example, if we need to leave someplace fun and one of my kids REALLY wants to stay. In that case, we clearly both have a conflict, but it doesn’t seem like the right time to try to find a “no-lose” solution. In those cases, I end up reverting back to using my parental power by making some sort of threat or bribe to get us out of the situation.

I’m also not sure what to do when my kids have conflicts with each other. Sometimes my active listening to both of them doesn’t seem to be enough. In that case, I also end up forcing a solution (which usually involves time-outs for both of them when I get fed up enough). In the couple instances when I’ve tried to take the time to help them find a no-lose compromise, I’ve been very pleased by the good attitudes and feelings that come after, but it’s hard to find the time to do that for the multitude of mini-conflicts that occur throughout the day!

I know I’m not a perfect parent and never will be, but I really feel like this book has given me an ideal to aim for and the tools to help me get there. I like it so much, I’ve ordered the sequel, P.E.T. in Action, from 1975. I’m eager to glean even more wisdom from this author. (Personal Rating: 9/10)

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Title: Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance
Author: Angela Ducksworth
Publication Year: 2016
Website: Related TED Talk
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Review: The question of nature vs. nurture is timeless. Are people born with innate ability or is that ability grown and developed over their life? We all have some general sense that both are important, but how important is each. Through many fascinating examples, the author presents the case that talent is real, but as she puts it, “effort counts twice.” Some people are naturally faster at learning certain skills. However, the amount of hard work someone is willing to put into developing a skill is far more important than their genetics.

Grit consists of two elements. It is both how passionate or committed you are to your interests as well as how much you persevere in the face of difficulty. To be gritty you need to have a sense of purpose as well as the ability to follow through. Numerous studies examining people who have achieved something amazing, find that the best predictor of success is their level of grit, rather than level of ability or IQ.

Potentially the most important finding of this book is that grit can be grown. As with every other skill, with effort people can become more gritty. This book spends several chapters explaining how to grow your own grit. For example it is possible to cultivate your sense of purpose no matter your profession. You should also make a conscious effort to be more optimistic and develop habits.

As a parent, the section which was most relevant to me was how to cultivate grit in other people. The author reiterates several times that there is not currently extensive research on parenting and grit. However, she also recognizes that this is not an area of life where we can just sit back and wait. As a parent herself, using what she has learned about grit, she makes several sensible recommendations.

One of the findings she shares, which I have seen before in other books, describes how parents can differ in how supportive and demanding they are. Parents who are neither supportive nor demanding are neglectful. Parents who are demanding, but not supportive, are authoritative. Parents who are supportive, but not demanding, are permissive. Parents who are both supportive AND demanding are the ones the author calls psychologically wise. They are parenting for grit. (This parenting style has also been called authoritative and is the one we should all shoot for.)

She also spends a great deal of time talking about the benefits of extracurricular activities. In order to develop their grit, kids need experiences which are both challenging and enjoyable. They need to be able to make the connection that hard work pays off by improving and reaching an accomplishment which they find deeply satisfying. She argues that some experiences, such as school, are challenging, but not intrinsically rewarding. Other experiences, like hanging out with friends, are fun, but not at all hard. Extracurriculars such as music, dance, sports, art, etc. can be both. A coach or instructor who is both demanding and supportive is a valuable asset in your child’s life.

Not only is it important for kids to work on challenging activities that they enjoy, but it is important for them to pick at least one which they stick with. Dabbling in a variety of activities is not a good way to cultivate grit. The author recommends that by the time children reach high school, they should choose one or two of their interests and commit to improving at them for at least 2 years.

Overall, this book has had an enormous impact on the kind of parent I would like to be. Walking the line between supportive and demanding does not come easily. Helping my kids develop their abilities through effort while keeping their interests alive is not an area in which I currently excel. (I’m starting to become a Tiger Mom when it comes to getting my kids to practice piano.) However, after reading this book, I can now clearly see my ideal version of myself. I know what it is I want and I have an outline for how to get there. I can work with that. (Personal Rating: 9/10)

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Title: Playful Parenting
Author: Lawrence J. Cohen
Publication Year: 2001
Website: www.playfulparenting.com
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Review: I alternate between thinking this is a very important book and not particularly useful. What I love about this book is that it has a focus which is completely different from any other parenting book I’ve read. The main idea is that you should be goofy and playful with your kids in nearly every situation. The author, a play therapist, uses lots of helpful examples to describe how he uses a playful attitude to break through walls that his clients and other children put up so that he can foster a deeper connection. He encourages techniques such as roughhousing, fantasy play, reversing roles, acting bumbling and incompetent, and playing Barbies as ways to get children to open up and let out their bad feelings.

I can see how having a positive, silly attitude would be helpful in lots of situations instead of immediately getting mad when kids misbehave and I’ve tried to incorporate this aspect to some extent into my parenting. However, I’ve had mixed success. There are lots of times I’ve found when my kids’ anger and/or bad attitudes are not really going to be cured by making them laugh temporarily. For example, if kids are fighting over a toy, he recommends grabbing the toy and running away laughing to get the kids to chase you. I think in the ideal world this would be so much fun that the kids would forget about the toy. I can say that this technique worked as advertised in a certain sense when I tried it. I had my kids laughing for a couple minutes as they chased me around the kitchen. However, I really had to cook dinner and when I stopped playing, the meltdowns were even bigger. Now not only were they crying because they each still wanted the toy, but they were also crying because they didn’t want me to stop playing. This was not the outcome I was hoping for.

I can see how this playful attitude might work better for dealing with only one child, but when there is more than one child, especially siblings, I find his techniques difficult to implement. However, despite my lack of real progress at being a “playful parent,” I did enjoy this book and I think I’ll hang onto it for a while. Maybe it will be more useful to me down the road. For the moment, I’m just trying to remember to be more light-hearted with my children and open to fun. Sometimes it’s good to be reminded that laughter is important, whether or not it solves problems. (Personal Rating: 8/10)

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Title: Parenting with Purpose: How to Raise Well-Behaved Children and Build a Strong Parent-Child Relationship
Author: Nina V. Garcia
Publication Year: 2015
Website: Sleeping Should Be Easy
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Note: For a limited time, you can get a FREE Kindle version of this book. Offer ends October 22, 2015. Don’t miss it!

Note 2: I was given a free pre-release copy of this book in electronic format in exchange for an honest review. See the note above to get a free copy too!

Review: At 130 pages, this book is a bit shorter than most parenting books. However, it really takes the best parenting advice from all of my favorite books, such as Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids and How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk and distills them down to this compact guide filled with the best wisdom applied to young kids. And honestly, what parent of toddlers and preschoolers has time to read super long books? (…besides me, but I’m a weirdo…)

The author supports the gentle, respectful parenting techniques that I personally strive to implement with my own kids. However, I don’t always succeed. Laura Markham, in Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, uses a tough love writing style that frequently makes me feel guilty when I lose my temper and yell at my children. I still love that book, because it motivates me to do better. Nina Garcia, in this book, Parenting with Purpose, supports the same connection-based parenting philosophy, but is MUCH more understanding and forgiving when it comes to parents failing to follow through with these techniques in the heat of the moment. Her friendly, conversational writing style and understanding tone make this book easy and enjoyable to read.

Even though the author provides a lot of similar advice in this book as can be found in other connection-based parenting books, she also has several original ideas and interpretations that I found refreshing, interesting, and useful. For example, she describes the difference between distraction and redirection. I’ve always been a little uncomfortable distracting my kids during outbursts, because I sort of feel like it’s both a cop out and disrespectful to their feeling to change the subject completely when they are upset about something specific. However, the author’s redirection technique makes a lot of sense and not only respects their feelings, but uses the child’s misbehavior or meltdowns to help teach the child a better behavior.

I also appreciated the subtle distinctions the author made between concepts such as guilt and shame and her explanation of how praising for traits or qualities that require effort (such as intelligence) which is well-documented as a bad idea, is completely different than praising for inherent traits (like kindness or honesty). The author has a clear, concise writing style that is very effective and a unique perspective on many parenting topics.

Another aspect of this book which I found extremely helpful was that the author did not neglect to discuss incidences between siblings since many parenting books simply discuss how to respond to a single child during an incident. As the parent of 3 young children, 2 of which are twins, the author has plenty of experience handling these sorts of conflicts. As I am also the parent of 3 young kids, there were times reading this book when I honestly felt like the author was describing my life. She has a deep understanding of how young kids react in certain situations and is wonderful at motivating parents to see these events from the child’s perspective. (She describes an event involving a happy face sticker on page 59 that I swear happens to me at least once a month. From now on, I’ll respond better.)

Overall, this is the best parenting book I’ve found for families that have a child between the ages of 2 and 6. I’d recommend this book even more strongly to parents who have more than one child in this age range. If you support a gentle, respectful, understanding parenting philosophy which emphasizes your long-term relationship with your child over immediate results, then you will greatly enjoy and appreciate the wisdom contained in this book. (Personal Rating: 9/10)

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Title: The Secrets of Happy Families: Improve Your Mornings, Tell Your Family History, Fight Smarter, Go Out and Play, and Much More
Author: Bruce Feiler
Publication Year: 2013
Website: http://brucefeiler.com
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Review: What I like most about this book is that it has actionable advice that I haven’t read about elsewhere. So much of what you read in parenting books is good advice, but redundant. (i.e. “Be more patient.” “Understand your child’s perspective.” “Be consistent.” “Routines are important.” And on and on and on.) It’s pretty rare to read something and think, “Hey, that’s a really good idea. I think I’m going to act on that right now.” However, this book had several bits of advice like that.

Basically, the concept behind this book is that the author used advancements and insights from unexpected and unusual fields of knowledge to figure out how to make families function more successfully. My favorite chapter was probably the first one discussing how Silicon Valley’s agile development techniques could be applied to families. I’ve already made a chart on my wall filled with post-it notes for tasks that need to be done, are in progress, and are completed. Each day I’m on a mission to move tasks over from the “To do” column to “In Progress” and from “In Progress” to “Completed.” I don’t think my productivity has been this high since having kids.

Some of the other ideas which I’m looking forward to incorporating either soon or when my kids are a bit older are family dinners (and possibly family meetings) as described in the book, learning about our family’s history, and developing a family “mission statement”. Other topics are interesting and helpful, but I don’t think I’ll be implementing any changes anytime soon, like the chapter on allowances, talking openly about sex and sexuality, and the one on military style bonding exercises. However, this is the kind of book that I would like to remember to read again in a couple years, because I’ll probably get more useful information out of it every time I read it. (Personal Rating: 9/10)

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Title: How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success
Author: Tovah P. Klein
Publication Year: 2014
Website: www.tovahklein.com
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Review: I read this book as part of a book club with a couple of my friends whose only children are definitively toddlers. It’s not the type of parenting book I would have selected for myself anymore, since I feel pretty capable handling toddlers at this point, though I enjoy reading parenting books and have read several books of this type.

Overall, I completely agree with the author’s point of view regarding toddlers and I feel like this book was well-written. It just didn’t cover anything new or enlightening as far as I’m concerned. If I weren’t reading it chapter-by-chapter to discuss with friends, I probably would have just skimmed it. If you have never lived through the toddler years before or read anything about them, then this would be a good, thorough place to start. However, the most useful concept I got out of this book was that she considers a 5 year old a “toddler.” While I wouldn’t apply that label to my 5 year old, it was helpful for me to be reminded that he can still be as needy and inflexible as my younger children, and that I should do my best to be more patient and understanding.

While there are many useful points in this book, I feel like a whole book on them was overkill. Much of the useful information of this book is summarized in the conclusion (which is much quicker to read). For example, some of the advice I agree with is to resist micromanaging your child and helping with tasks they can do themselves. Also, parents should allow children plenty of time to play freely, since playing is learning. I also agree that parents should resist praising children too much, so that they can enjoy the satisfaction they get themselves for accomplishing a task. Also, allowing them to be bored is important for their developing natural creativity and curiosity.

One of the points I do not agree with completely is her encouragement not to push kids to share. I agree that I never truly expect my kids to share willingly and eagerly since they are still very young. However, she did not convince me that I shouldn’t let them know that there is an expectation. I believe that most kids are capable of sharing without drama at 2. There are case-by-case exceptions depending on how tired, hungry, or overwhelmed the child is feeling and how desirable the object of contention is. If the child has closely-spaced siblings, they don’t really have a choice. Sharing is just a way of life (though I admit that I keep telling myself and my kids that mostly for my sanity).

I also did not really whole-heartedly agree with her discussion of nighttime parenting. She leans a little more toward the cry-it-out method than I personally have used with my own kids. I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with her methods or even more rigid nighttime parenting techniques, necessarily. I do truly think all kids turn out okay for the most part regardless of how their parents treat them at night. However, I don’t think that a more lenient, relaxed approach is necessarily as bad as she implies. I disagree with her assertion that kids don’t outgrow sleep difficulties on their own. In my experience, they do.

Overall, I appreciate the author’s gentle, patient parenting approach and honestly, I can’t think of a better book specifically for the toddler years. It just didn’t have a large impact on my parenting philosophies or practices since I’ve read similar ideas in many other places. Maybe if I’d read it earlier in my parenting journey, I would have found it a lot more valuable. (Personal Rating: 7/10)

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Title: Smart but Scattered
Author: Peg Dawson and Richard Guare
Publication Year: 2009
Website: www.smartbutscatteredkids.com
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Review: I noticed that this book had a lot of positive reviews on Amazon, but I didn’t find it incredibly useful. Basically, what it boiled down to in my opinion was: If your child is having a habitual problem, make a plan and follow it. Their solutions involve a lot of checklists and “incentives”. So for example, if the child is having trouble getting ready for school in the morning, make a checklist of all the steps he needs to complete so he can stay on task. Eventually he should not need the checklist anymore. If they are having trouble completing their homework, maybe offer them an incentive like a cell phone or cell phone privileges so they will be motivated to remember to get things done.

I completely agree that executive skills (self-control, self-regulation, self-discipline) are extremely important. I also don’t have a problem with checklists at all. Before reading this book, I made a picture checklist for my 5 year old to help him learn to get ready for school in the morning and bed at night and it served its purpose beautifully. I referred him to his lists when he got off track for a couple weeks and then he didn’t need them anymore. However, I don’t think using a checklist requires an entire book to explain and their incentives sound a lot like bribes to me.

If your child is having a lot of trouble regulating himself, then maybe it is worth resorting to the techniques described in this book to try and make sure they have a handle on these skills. The authors do describe a lot of step-by-step solutions for a variety of problems. I have no doubt this book would be useful to some parents. However, this is not a general parenting book for everyone, in my opinion, though I think the authors believe it is. These are not techniques I would start with, but rather techniques I would give a shot if I was really concerned and felt nothing else was working. (Personal Rating: 6/10)

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